Something about not wanting to paint...

Something has happened to me. I have not touched my painting brush for over a month now which is very, very unusual. I simply don't have the urge to. I hardly throw a glance towards my pile of paints and brushes. I don't read about art. I don't discuss art. NIL.

I said I don't have the urge to paint but deep down that is what I am missing so very badly. To paint again. Painting gives me sense of purpose in everyday life. It is an escape route from all the stress that comes with life. Painting tranports me to another element. Element of fantasy where there is no black and white, no hard fast rules.

Here I am trying to analyse the reason for the lack of interest. Is it really because there is lack of interest or is it because I only paint so feverishly and passionately when I am in turmoil? Am I not in turmoil still? I am. But I guess different kind of turmoil results in different outcome as far as my painting's concerned. I wonder, if I forcefully pick up the brush again and just paint now, what will the outcome look like? Still full of reds and oranges or it will be more relaxing, subdued colours? Or will I just abandon the canvas midway and not attempt to finish it at all?

I have not been looking after myself lately. I don't really eat, my sleep pattern is irregular, heck, even my heartbeat is showing funny readings...! What is wrong? Am I not happy? Hmmm....let me deliberate on that...

Yes, right now I am definitely feeling better than couple of months back. Really? ...Yes! Sure?..Yes! Then what the heck is wrong then? Well, I guess it's just me being me. I.Think.A.Lot.

So , back to my lack of interest to paint, maybe I can make the wild assumption that I am the effective and productive painter only when I become the suffering soul...hahhahaa...very romantic! Having said that, I'd rather not paint than suffer! Cheers! :)